Consumer
Newsletter – February 2020
US
Edition; By Elyse Umlauf-Garneau
Seniors on the Move
Moving
across the country is challenging, but when it includes frail, elderly parents,
it becomes exponentially harder.
It’s
why those who have gone through the process with a loved one suggest getting an
early start, having a handle on the to-dos, and planning ahead.
But
most families wait until a crisis before considering housing options and purging
a house, according to Judith Kahn of Judith Moves You, a New York City senior
move manager. “It’s not unusual for people to call me just weeks before a
move,” she says.
She
says it’s best to start sorting, cleaning, and figuring out the next steps a
year prior to downsizing. “Frail seniors have physical and emotional
limitations and can only work two or three hours at a time,” she says. When a
move manager swoops in with just weeks to do their work, it increases seniors’
stress, particularly if they have dementia.
You’re fired
Still,
parents and children resist. “Part of it is coming to terms with the idea that
hiring me is staring mortality in the face,” Kahn says.
Sisters
Rachel Wineberg-Kaufman of Hastings-on-Hudson, N.Y., and Johanna Kellman of Naples, Fla., came
face-to-face with such resistance when trying to get their 90-something
parents, Bernice and Julius, to downsize several years prior to their eventual
2018 relocation from Chicago to Naples.
The
two had raised the topic several times, but their parents refused to consider moving
or even having help in their house. “My mom kept firing the aides we hired,”
recalls Wineberg-Kaufman.
Recognizing the signs
But
the signs that it was time for a change were there.
When
the daughters visited, friends pulled them aside and told them that their parents
really could use more help. They noticed piles of unopened mail and disorganization
in their parents’ normally tidy condo.
But
getting their parents to accept that it was time to downsize wasn’t easy, and
the sisters wanted to respect their parents’ wishes.
Then,
when Wineberg-Kaufman’s husband talked with his in-laws and suggested moving,
they jumped on it (See more of the story in the SRES blog ___), opting to live
near Kellman in Naples. A semi-neutral person, someone other than the
children, making such requests sometimes
can be persuasive and effective.
Tip: When talking with parents about
medical directives, ask about their wishes for long-term living arrangements,
should aging at home become impossible. Wineberg-Kaufman says, “I wish I had
asked, ‘How will I know that you’re ready to move? What signs should I watch
out for?’”
Preview options in
advance
After
getting a thumbs-up from their parents, Kellman scrambled and started visiting
and researching the independent housing options.
Kellman
suggests doing some scouting years before a move. The choices are vast,
confusing, and expensive.
In
addition, it’s important to pick a place where your parents will feel
comfortable.
When the
building’s vibe? Do residents seem engaged and happy? Do the activities match
your parents’ interests? Could you picture your parents living there?
“You
really just have to find the personality that's right for them,” says Kellman.
Subhead)
Editing a life
Once
Kellman, an interior designer, chose an apartment in an independent living
building, she took measurements and planned a layout.
House-sized
coffee tables, couches, and so forth, typically are too big for the limited
space in independent living apartments. But moving some furniture makes the
space feel homier and less institutional.
That
advance planning and measuring guided the sisters’ decisions about to bring.
They
opted for a few pieces of furniture that were important to their parents, some
quilts her mom had made, photos, and some books and mementos.
Managing the
nitty-gritty
“If
you don't have a sister who's an interior designer, hire somebody experienced
in senior moves,” advises Wineberg-Kaufman.
Such
managers are expert in dealing with the big issues of a move and the
nitty-gritty details, including packing and shipping, turning utilities on and
off, and transferring insurance.
Their
unique skills also entail scanning a room and knowing what can be donated, what’s
saleable, and what need to be tossed.
Moreover,
notes Kahn, they have pre-vetted connections with every type of service
provider – movers, geriatric care managers, auctioneers, estate sale managers,
and so forth – needed to execute a move seamlessly.
When
their dad moved from independent to assisted living in the same facility after
their mom’s death in 2019, the sisters marveled at senior move managers’ tricks
of the trade.
For
example, they photographed the medicine cabinet and drawers before packing so
that everything was put in the exact same spot in the new apartment. Their dad
didn’t have to hunt around for things, which minimized his stress.
Orchestrating
farewells
A few
weeks before the move, the sisters got in touch with their parents’ friends and
asked that someone go out with them for a meal each day.
It was
one way for their parents to enjoy their last weeks in Chicago, celebrate with
friends, and bid farewell to their hometown.
And to
diminish their parents’ angst, the sisters purged and packed after the
actual move.
They
left the apartment intact so that their parents’ last view of it was one of
beauty, not chaos.
Finding new friends
In
retrospect, Wineberg-Kaufman realized that another reason for parents to move
to a senior building sooner rather than later is how challenging it is to make
new friends, something her parents found difficult.
Wineberg-Kaufman
notes that people in that age group may have hearing and memory problems and
sometimes they’re too frail now to fully engage socially.
She
also observed that sometimes interactions among residents can mirror those of young
children who play next to one another but not together.
Had
their parents moved they were younger, Wineberg-Kaufman thinks they would’ve
been able to build a stronger social network.
Now
that Bernice has passed away, Julius is isolated at his assisted living
facility.
But when
he was back in Chicago for his wife’s memorial service, he reconnected with
old, lifelong friends and was sharp and engaged. “Because of that depth of
friendship, they all just fell into conversation,” recalls Wineberg-Kaufman.
The
entire experience has caused her to consider a new model for aging. “Set up
your own assisted living with friends,” she says. “Buy two condos: one for the
friends and one for the caretaker.”
Resources:
If
you’re planning a cross-country move with a senior, here’s a list of resources
and checklists to get you started.
Real Estate
Matters: News & Issues for the Mature Market
Coldwell
Banker Premier Group
2203
S. Big Bend Blvd
St.
Louis, MO 63117
Matt
Wroughton – SRES, PSA
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